Walking on sunshine

The path that I’ve chosen is filled-up with light beams. There are some dark spots here an there, perfectly identifiable, and they only mean I have neglected my RL work and will need to make an extra effort now to catch up. Nothing really beyond my strenghts.

I sleep at night without a single regret. I look for worries and concerns in my mind but apart from some guilt, some remorse (things I should have done, others that I should have done far before I did them) I find none.

Now, I look ahead and between the sunshine around me I try to see some objectives that push me forward. Yes, one day at a time is good. Yes, feeling well with yourself at the end of each 24 hours is great. And yet… I look ahead and feel there is yet so much life to be lived - all of this must have a point, anywhere, a goal to reach at the end of the way… shouldn’t it ? Or is it supposed to be just like this… a purposedless path leading nowhere ?

No winter

I know there’s been winter somewhere. Honestly, I remember fall - and I remember it quite well, a long, hurtful fall and me sufocating beneath the dead leaves falling from the trees.

I woke up now to this rainy spring time. I see flowers strting to blossom everywhere. a deep green over the prairies because fo all the water coming from the sky. I raise my face to the greyish clouds and ask them if they’re crying all my uncried tears. They don’t answer me back. I wasn’t really expecting them too.

How can a whole season go away without us even noticing it ?

Being in love

A recent conversation suddenly crossed my mind. Five months had passed since we had our last talk. And there you were, trying to “start over where we had stopped”. “Let’s forget the last episode,” you said. Lolololol

You know what ? Being in love is not enjoying how special the other one makes us feel. Being in love is doing everything you can so that the other person understands that in fact he/she IS special.

It’s over now, it all belongs to the past now and has not the least importance. But it was really useful, to finally understand that in fact you never loved me.

Puzzle of me

Standing there on the empty colourless desert, not knowing where to go. Wanted to go nowhere. Then, I started listening to some musical notes. At first, I thought they came from the very inside of me, an echo of long forgotten songs.

As it became clearer, I realised it came from a point ahead and made an effort to drag myself on. It took me forever, this first step, for my feet weighted like plumb. Then another one, which was a bit easier, and I found I could actually walk. The music was nearer and finally I arrived at a smooth valey in the dunes. Slightly down, there was a small lake, shining under the bright light of the noon sunshine. I fell on my knees and took some drops of water into my dried lips.

Then I felt some sort of a glitter that blinded my eyes and looked around. Just beside me, I noticed pieces of an unknown material that reflected the sunbeans. I crawled there and watched it closely. And there they were… like a broken puzzle, all the pieces of me. All I had lost along the way.

I recognised them at once and felt totally at a lost, not knowing where to start rebuilding myself. I took one piece, then another. They didn’t fit together, so I put them aside and tried another one. This one didn’t fit any of them either. I looked at the whole pile of small pieces and almost succumbed before this endless task.

Then the music sounded louder and more powerful. I looked around and noticed the musician who was playing under a palmtree. Then I finally paid attention to the lyrics. They told stories about lost love, about stop believing, about faith that was gone forever.

I shook my head, then sat down and started set the pieces of the puzzled me on different piles according to their images. I turned my head to him and shouted : ” It won’t be like that, I refuse to believe everything is gone forever! I can’t bear to think I am no longer !”. He seemed to smile at me, although I wasn’t too sure of that. Simply went on singing and playing, his voice more powerful at each minute.

I sighed… and slowly, patiently, started setting-up my own self.

Step by step

Step by step, she told me. Take it easy. Take it slow. Don’t be so demanding with yourself, she said. List your priorities, then take care of each one at the time. And don’t feel discouraged if you don’t reach your goals at the first try. You’ll get there.

The I went on. Letting out all my crying in a smoother, softer, more logical way. Bit by bit, things seem to make sense again. The load seems to get lighter.

One step at a time.

Walls and music

It’s been a while. Since last time, I looked for professional help. Hard to acknowledge, at a certain point of your life, that you cannot overcome a difficult stage only by yourself. Hard to realize you need someone’s help, when one’s used to depend on your own strenght only, during all your life.

Have to admit that the messages you left me really moved me to the bottom of my heart - some of them even from people I had not the least idea they read this, a nearly-abandonned blog.

And today, I looked at the mirrow and started recognising the woman reflected there. That is almost me, again. I had to build some walls. Then again, I had to open doors on other walls. Most of all, I had to face the fact that if I wouldn’t help myself no one else would do that in my place, for as much as they were willing to help.

Yes, I have been lost in world. Yes, I have been lost off world. I lost my own self along the way. Didn’t knew anymore who I was. At a point, I only wanted everything to stop. To go away. What did I meant by “everything” ? Hard to tell, I guess. Just plain… everything.

Step by step, I survived anyway. I no longer blame those who made me live in hell for a while. I no longer blame me for giving them all that power over my deepest self. Not specially proud of the way I let myself go, but again, one can’t go against one’s own nature, I guess.

I look ahead now. Try to grab the pieces of me and put them together again as in a puzzle. The hardest thing to hunt was my smile and laughter - and I was lucky enough to have had some help there. I re-started singing when I listen to songs on the radio or in-world concerts. In fact, music had a really important role in the whole process. I recently discovered there’s a whole therapy called “musicology” - and though I’m not much into theories, I do know that maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through all that if it wasn’t for music.

I still have some crying tied up inside of me that are harder to come out. But I do hope that it is the sweet sound of musical notes and lyrics that will eventually find their way out, each day more often.

Spiralling

Spiralling down. Down. And down. Will I ever reach the bottom of it ? At this point I only want to be there… so I can start going up and up and become again who I once was.

Instead, each day seems to pull me lower and lower and slowly I drown in my own sorrow. Thick waves of anger, rage and sadness embrace me in loving care. Deep inside, I know it would be so easy to close my eyes and let myself go. Instead, I still try to fight it all back, while others, in a careless manner, step on me over and over again, trying to throw their own problems and troubles away. Who am I to help others when I can’t even help myself ?

Salvation, I know… is forever out of reach.

Tomorrow

I won’t miss anything no more.

Drops of nostalgy

It’s raining. Outside, not in me. Inside, only scattered thoughts of the way I used to be. Remainings of the feelings I once felt. How I felt complete, understood, happy beyond happinness. The world was then an endless place where we could make our dreams come true.

Today, I’m only half of me. Cut off from my better self, only the demons in me still stand and fight. I’ve heard that love turns you into a better person, it only woke up the worst in me.

Yes, I miss me. And yes, I miss you.

Just because

There are days where people ask how do you feel and you don’t really know what to answer back.

There are days you only want to wash away all the lies… just to see what stands behind them.

There are days you wish you could get your innocence back even if it was for just one day - so you could enjoy happiness again.

There are days like these - when you wouldn’t mind living on a desert island and simply drawn in forgiveness and lost memories.

There are days you could die, and live happily ever after…