Walls and music
It’s been a while. Since last time, I looked for professional help. Hard to acknowledge, at a certain point of your life, that you cannot overcome a difficult stage only by yourself. Hard to realize you need someone’s help, when one’s used to depend on your own strenght only, during all your life.
Have to admit that the messages you left me really moved me to the bottom of my heart - some of them even from people I had not the least idea they read this, a nearly-abandonned blog.
And today, I looked at the mirrow and started recognising the woman reflected there. That is almost me, again. I had to build some walls. Then again, I had to open doors on other walls. Most of all, I had to face the fact that if I wouldn’t help myself no one else would do that in my place, for as much as they were willing to help.
Yes, I have been lost in world. Yes, I have been lost off world. I lost my own self along the way. Didn’t knew anymore who I was. At a point, I only wanted everything to stop. To go away. What did I meant by “everything” ? Hard to tell, I guess. Just plain… everything.
Step by step, I survived anyway. I no longer blame those who made me live in hell for a while. I no longer blame me for giving them all that power over my deepest self. Not specially proud of the way I let myself go, but again, one can’t go against one’s own nature, I guess.
I look ahead now. Try to grab the pieces of me and put them together again as in a puzzle. The hardest thing to hunt was my smile and laughter - and I was lucky enough to have had some help there. I re-started singing when I listen to songs on the radio or in-world concerts. In fact, music had a really important role in the whole process. I recently discovered there’s a whole therapy called “musicology” - and though I’m not much into theories, I do know that maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through all that if it wasn’t for music.
I still have some crying tied up inside of me that are harder to come out. But I do hope that it is the sweet sound of musical notes and lyrics that will eventually find their way out, each day more often.
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OOh, I had to swallow, after reading this confession. I knew something was wrong, I only did not realize how deep it went. And, apparently, it was deep. But I was already reassured that you were doing fine, better than expected.
Keep up the spirit!! You will get there eventually!!;))
You don’t have to blame yourself for anything. It is pure human that it takes a while before we can admit to ourselves, that we need some kind of help. And, as you said, it is only up to you, how to handle this help, and if you can get out of the black hole you were once in.
In a previous life I was a dj, so music does that me too.;))
Sand, if you believe me or not, I am glad to know you, and to count you among my cyberfriends.
I believe you, LL, why shouldn’t I ? And sometimes, pushing ourselves to be someone else also helps. When you are forced to smile and sing, after a time it starts being a part of you, and even if at the beginning you didn’t really felt like doing none of those things… you’ll find yourself doing it each time more easily.
Thanks for being there. I know, we don’t talk much. But I also know that friendship is not measured by the quantity of words we exchange *winks