When I had a home, I owned this picture that I kept on the wall and said “Just imagine when the sun comes through”. Yesterday, someone told me to calm down. To close my eyes and think of a rainbow… a forest… a lake. And it helped. It did.

I wonder why is it then that today instead of rainbows I can only remember that darn picture and it’s message. And just feel that I was used and cheated and robbed ? My dreams scattered away over an endless desert, never again to return.

I have to stop giving. Have to learn to protect myself. Have to find another way that leads me towards other kind of people. Enough. I simply have enough now, so just stop please. I don’t want to be hurt again. Never again.

I look at the calendar upon the wall and suddenly my heart misses a beat. A year went by. Dear Goddess, how can that be ? A full year ? Where have I been ? What have I been doing with myself ?

It’s true that life is unfair sometimes. But oh Goddess she has been a great teacher… and I become a stronger bitch each day !

Tired of feeling sorry for myself again I noticed Guy Goodman would be playing at JSP’s new Jazz-n-Dreams club. I digged in my closet for a proper dress. Lol - there’s no such thing. I chose what looked like the most appropriate, bought a pair of ballerinas at Shiny Things and off I went.

Mr. Goodman was starting and the Security Man on shift yelled that we should be suitably formaly dressed. Lol. A victim to outburst my anger, great ! I sat on the sofas near the stage and immediately asked if he was talking to me. Even highlighted that the singer’s promoter herself was wearing t-shirt and shorts.

I watched while she left the club, turned the corner and changed, Double lol. The Security Man was surprised - no he was not talking to me. As long as I didn’t mess around I could stay - and if any of the other team would bother me I was to tell them to go and speak with him. Nice guy, Mr. Andyy Heartsdale, I came to spend all my Sunday afternoon there. Listening to Ms. Klaranne Flanagan and Mr. Joaquin Gustav after the first singer.

I left my soul fly for a while, half aslepp, half hummering the songs. Yes, I was torned apart again. Yes, I let myself be used again. And yes, definitely, I have to change my way. It’s hard when friendship turns into something else and after a while you’re left with anything but empty hands to comfort yourself. It’s harder when you have invested money, time, hours of sleep, when you forgot to eat and left everything else aside for someone and you’re simply thrown into the trash as as used cigarette someone smoke up to the very end.

Luckily for me, I still have my girlfirends around. And me, who was never too much into close firendships with my own gender (yes, there is ONE really strong exception, but she’s my soul mate, lol) find myself surrounded now by this warm lake of female solidarity and understanding which I now will be my anchor until the moment I will be able to walk on my own again.

He looked at me with his deep eyes and told me I owed him a hug. I smiled and hugged him. Then he kissed me, and I offered myself entirely.

Time went by. Today, I know I fell in love for the last time. From now own, my heart will never belong to someone else but me. I pick up my backpack and feel it heavy with what is left of me… and follow the path that unfolds before my feet. Now is the time to move one. Life will be less coloured now I know, but it also will be less painful to live.

I know you are back. I know you’re trying to haunt me. I know sometimes you will succeed and others you won’t. It depends on me only. Sometimes I will be able to deal with that, other times not really. There are days I enjoy playing cat and mouse, other days I don’t. There are days where I feel I still love you. Other days I feel I totally hate you. Others yet, that you became a total stranger and that I feel nothing but indifference.

My life went on while you were away. I moved on. I grew up and changed. Changed myself. Changed my life. You ? You, just go on living that small life of yours, so full of holes and emptyness.

Yes, I may never come to live again what we had once… but then again, neither will you.

Like a rollercoast, that’s how I feel. Walking over fluffly clouds some days and others on the darkest labirynth. Tired of this. Want my normal life back. But then againa… would I be able to live just a plain, common, normal life ?

I honestly can’t tell. What I do know is that I feel tired. I want to look elsewhere and stop looking at my own belly only. Tired to walk like this, up and down constantly. Tired to depend on pills to get at least some balance. Tired to have my own mood depending on the mood of other people.

Want to take control of my own life again. Get back to whom I used to be. Look around and feel at least satisfied, even if not happy. What the hell am I looking for ? Where the hell am I going to ? At the end of the day… what the hell is the whole purpose of living this shitty life, one day after the other ? Meaningless… everything seems so meaningless…

The path that I’ve chosen is filled-up with light beams. There are some dark spots here an there, perfectly identifiable, and they only mean I have neglected my RL work and will need to make an extra effort now to catch up. Nothing really beyond my strenghts.

I sleep at night without a single regret. I look for worries and concerns in my mind but apart from some guilt, some remorse (things I should have done, others that I should have done far before I did them) I find none.

Now, I look ahead and between the sunshine around me I try to see some objectives that push me forward. Yes, one day at a time is good. Yes, feeling well with yourself at the end of each 24 hours is great. And yet… I look ahead and feel there is yet so much life to be lived - all of this must have a point, anywhere, a goal to reach at the end of the way… shouldn’t it ? Or is it supposed to be just like this… a purposedless path leading nowhere ?

I know there’s been winter somewhere. Honestly, I remember fall - and I remember it quite well, a long, hurtful fall and me sufocating beneath the dead leaves falling from the trees.

I woke up now to this rainy spring time. I see flowers strting to blossom everywhere. a deep green over the prairies because fo all the water coming from the sky. I raise my face to the greyish clouds and ask them if they’re crying all my uncried tears. They don’t answer me back. I wasn’t really expecting them too.

How can a whole season go away without us even noticing it ?

A recent conversation suddenly crossed my mind. Five months had passed since we had our last talk. And there you were, trying to “start over where we had stopped”. “Let’s forget the last episode,” you said. Lolololol

You know what ? Being in love is not enjoying how special the other one makes us feel. Being in love is doing everything you can so that the other person understands that in fact he/she IS special.

It’s over now, it all belongs to the past now and has not the least importance. But it was really useful, to finally understand that in fact you never loved me.

Standing there on the empty colourless desert, not knowing where to go. Wanted to go nowhere. Then, I started listening to some musical notes. At first, I thought they came from the very inside of me, an echo of long forgotten songs.

As it became clearer, I realised it came from a point ahead and made an effort to drag myself on. It took me forever, this first step, for my feet weighted like plumb. Then another one, which was a bit easier, and I found I could actually walk. The music was nearer and finally I arrived at a smooth valey in the dunes. Slightly down, there was a small lake, shining under the bright light of the noon sunshine. I fell on my knees and took some drops of water into my dried lips.

Then I felt some sort of a glitter that blinded my eyes and looked around. Just beside me, I noticed pieces of an unknown material that reflected the sunbeans. I crawled there and watched it closely. And there they were… like a broken puzzle, all the pieces of me. All I had lost along the way.

I recognised them at once and felt totally at a lost, not knowing where to start rebuilding myself. I took one piece, then another. They didn’t fit together, so I put them aside and tried another one. This one didn’t fit any of them either. I looked at the whole pile of small pieces and almost succumbed before this endless task.

Then the music sounded louder and more powerful. I looked around and noticed the musician who was playing under a palmtree. Then I finally paid attention to the lyrics. They told stories about lost love, about stop believing, about faith that was gone forever.

I shook my head, then sat down and started set the pieces of the puzzled me on different piles according to their images. I turned my head to him and shouted : ” It won’t be like that, I refuse to believe everything is gone forever! I can’t bear to think I am no longer !”. He seemed to smile at me, although I wasn’t too sure of that. Simply went on singing and playing, his voice more powerful at each minute.

I sighed… and slowly, patiently, started setting-up my own self.