Puzzle of me

Standing there on the empty colourless desert, not knowing where to go. Wanted to go nowhere. Then, I started listening to some musical notes. At first, I thought they came from the very inside of me, an echo of long forgotten songs.

As it became clearer, I realised it came from a point ahead and made an effort to drag myself on. It took me forever, this first step, for my feet weighted like plumb. Then another one, which was a bit easier, and I found I could actually walk. The music was nearer and finally I arrived at a smooth valey in the dunes. Slightly down, there was a small lake, shining under the bright light of the noon sunshine. I fell on my knees and took some drops of water into my dried lips.

Then I felt some sort of a glitter that blinded my eyes and looked around. Just beside me, I noticed pieces of an unknown material that reflected the sunbeans. I crawled there and watched it closely. And there they were… like a broken puzzle, all the pieces of me. All I had lost along the way.

I recognised them at once and felt totally at a lost, not knowing where to start rebuilding myself. I took one piece, then another. They didn’t fit together, so I put them aside and tried another one. This one didn’t fit any of them either. I looked at the whole pile of small pieces and almost succumbed before this endless task.

Then the music sounded louder and more powerful. I looked around and noticed the musician who was playing under a palmtree. Then I finally paid attention to the lyrics. They told stories about lost love, about stop believing, about faith that was gone forever.

I shook my head, then sat down and started set the pieces of the puzzled me on different piles according to their images. I turned my head to him and shouted : ” It won’t be like that, I refuse to believe everything is gone forever! I can’t bear to think I am no longer !”. He seemed to smile at me, although I wasn’t too sure of that. Simply went on singing and playing, his voice more powerful at each minute.

I sighed… and slowly, patiently, started setting-up my own self.

Step by step

Step by step, she told me. Take it easy. Take it slow. Don’t be so demanding with yourself, she said. List your priorities, then take care of each one at the time. And don’t feel discouraged if you don’t reach your goals at the first try. You’ll get there.

The I went on. Letting out all my crying in a smoother, softer, more logical way. Bit by bit, things seem to make sense again. The load seems to get lighter.

One step at a time.

Walls and music

It’s been a while. Since last time, I looked for professional help. Hard to acknowledge, at a certain point of your life, that you cannot overcome a difficult stage only by yourself. Hard to realize you need someone’s help, when one’s used to depend on your own strenght only, during all your life.

Have to admit that the messages you left me really moved me to the bottom of my heart – some of them even from people I had not the least idea they read this, a nearly-abandonned blog.

And today, I looked at the mirrow and started recognising the woman reflected there. That is almost me, again. I had to build some walls. Then again, I had to open doors on other walls. Most of all, I had to face the fact that if I wouldn’t help myself no one else would do that in my place, for as much as they were willing to help.

Yes, I have been lost in world. Yes, I have been lost off world. I lost my own self along the way. Didn’t knew anymore who I was. At a point, I only wanted everything to stop. To go away. What did I meant by “everything” ? Hard to tell, I guess. Just plain… everything.

Step by step, I survived anyway. I no longer blame those who made me live in hell for a while. I no longer blame me for giving them all that power over my deepest self. Not specially proud of the way I let myself go, but again, one can’t go against one’s own nature, I guess.

I look ahead now. Try to grab the pieces of me and put them together again as in a puzzle. The hardest thing to hunt was my smile and laughter – and I was lucky enough to have had some help there. I re-started singing when I listen to songs on the radio or in-world concerts. In fact, music had a really important role in the whole process. I recently discovered there’s a whole therapy called “musicology” – and though I’m not much into theories, I do know that maybe I wouldn’t be able to go through all that if it wasn’t for music.

I still have some crying tied up inside of me that are harder to come out. But I do hope that it is the sweet sound of musical notes and lyrics that will eventually find their way out, each day more often.

Spiralling

Spiralling down. Down. And down. Will I ever reach the bottom of it ? At this point I only want to be there… so I can start going up and up and become again who I once was.

Instead, each day seems to pull me lower and lower and slowly I drown in my own sorrow. Thick waves of anger, rage and sadness embrace me in loving care. Deep inside, I know it would be so easy to close my eyes and let myself go. Instead, I still try to fight it all back, while others, in a careless manner, step on me over and over again, trying to throw their own problems and troubles away. Who am I to help others when I can’t even help myself ?

Salvation, I know… is forever out of reach.

Tomorrow

I won’t miss anything no more.

Drops of nostalgy

It’s raining. Outside, not in me. Inside, only scattered thoughts of the way I used to be. Remainings of the feelings I once felt. How I felt complete, understood, happy beyond happinness. The world was then an endless place where we could make our dreams come true.

Today, I’m only half of me. Cut off from my better self, only the demons in me still stand and fight. I’ve heard that love turns you into a better person, it only woke up the worst in me.

Yes, I miss me. And yes, I miss you.

Just because

There are days where people ask how do you feel and you don’t really know what to answer back.

There are days you only want to wash away all the lies… just to see what stands behind them.

There are days you wish you could get your innocence back even if it was for just one day – so you could enjoy happiness again.

There are days like these – when you wouldn’t mind living on a desert island and simply drawn in forgiveness and lost memories.

There are days you could die, and live happily ever after…

Cold sunny days

On days like these I could easily let myself go. I look back and know I’ve done what I was supposed to. I did it properly, in the correct and responsible way.

And now I’m done. Nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, all doors and windows now firmly shut down. I am alone now, as I wanted to. And I am ready to go. So please, goddess, do take me in your arms for I don’t belong in here anymore. Amen.

Crying at the northern wind

Wish someone could understand me with just a few words. I’m tired of talking. Tired of explaining. Tried of justifying.

Wish someone could just read inside of me and carry me away. To another world, another time, another life.

Wish someone could make me love passionately, endlessly, each and every day of all my lives until there was no such thing as time or space.

But I know. It is not meant to happen. And I face the northern wind and let tears roll down over my face, hoping it washes my soul away… and me along with it

Re-install

Regular viewer.

Then, a taste of my favorite lonely nights. Max Kleene, then a bit of jazz and blues (beautiful piano, Kley, so sorry I didn’t catch your family name, lol) and Rookie to end up, in this really kewl Bush Beard Club at Bruges (yeah I know, the name’s probably not correct but I’m hoping one of the flemish around may help me out on that, hehehe).

I have lost my home in the meanwhile. Summer took control and totally redecorated it. Oh well, it’s not really my style but I guess I can cope with that, shes’s so proud of what they’ve done there…

Hope she won’t mind that I deal with the garden at ground level though, because I do have some ideas.

And yes… I think I will be around during the next couple of weeks at least. Who knows, I may even attend LL and Fregg’s rezzday party – that is, if Summer doesn’t insist too much on her going instead of me. Humans… humpft !