Within less than a month, this blog will be one year. Not a happy blog, I know. But then again, not its fault that its parents split apart only a fortnight after it was born… lol
It’s odd to keep “living” like this, revisiting once in a while those places where I was so happy and so miserable as well. I find it strange that these moments come so often, leaving me wondering what was I doing a year ago. Knowing exactly how I felt back then.
I know I’ve reached about half of my current lifetime. I know that I’ve lived already all there was for me to live. I know – oh so accurately – how’s this going to be from now on, until the Goddess calls me out to her breast. Looking ahead, it surely seems too much to go through, and sometimes I still doubt I’m strong enough to bear with all this deserted land in front of me.
These are the moments I look back, once again. I stil ask myself why. Oh, I’m acquainted with the facts and I understand the motivations behind them. But here and then I can’t help feeling that maybe it would have been better not to be happy once… if the price to be paid was this scattered self of mine which I’ll have to put up with for the rest of my life.
True. Wish I hadn’t love you the way I did. Wish we had never met. Wish I remained ignorant on loving and being loved in return. I’d welcome a timeship that would bring me back to early June 2007… and I’d choose differently.
When I had a home, I owned this picture that I kept on the wall and said “Just imagine when the sun comes through”. Yesterday, someone told me to calm down. To close my eyes and think of a rainbow… a forest… a lake. And it helped. It did.
I wonder why is it then that today instead of rainbows I can only remember that darn picture and it’s message. And just feel that I was used and cheated and robbed ? My dreams scattered away over an endless desert, never again to return.
I have to stop giving. Have to learn to protect myself. Have to find another way that leads me towards other kind of people. Enough. I simply have enough now, so just stop please. I don’t want to be hurt again. Never again.
I look at the calendar upon the wall and suddenly my heart misses a beat. A year went by. Dear Goddess, how can that be ? A full year ? Where have I been ? What have I been doing with myself ?
It’s true that life is unfair sometimes. But oh Goddess she has been a great teacher… and I become a stronger bitch each day !
Tired of feeling sorry for myself again I noticed Guy Goodman would be playing at JSP’s new Jazz-n-Dreams club. I digged in my closet for a proper dress. Lol – there’s no such thing. I chose what looked like the most appropriate, bought a pair of ballerinas at Shiny Things and off I went.
Mr. Goodman was starting and the Security Man on shift yelled that we should be suitably formaly dressed. Lol. A victim to outburst my anger, great ! I sat on the sofas near the stage and immediately asked if he was talking to me. Even highlighted that the singer’s promoter herself was wearing t-shirt and shorts.
I watched while she left the club, turned the corner and changed, Double lol. The Security Man was surprised – no he was not talking to me. As long as I didn’t mess around I could stay – and if any of the other team would bother me I was to tell them to go and speak with him. Nice guy, Mr. Andyy Heartsdale, I came to spend all my Sunday afternoon there. Listening to Ms. Klaranne Flanagan and Mr. Joaquin Gustav after the first singer.
I left my soul fly for a while, half aslepp, half hummering the songs. Yes, I was torned apart again. Yes, I let myself be used again. And yes, definitely, I have to change my way. It’s hard when friendship turns into something else and after a while you’re left with anything but empty hands to comfort yourself. It’s harder when you have invested money, time, hours of sleep, when you forgot to eat and left everything else aside for someone and you’re simply thrown into the trash as as used cigarette someone smoke up to the very end.
Luckily for me, I still have my girlfirends around. And me, who was never too much into close firendships with my own gender (yes, there is ONE really strong exception, but she’s my soul mate, lol) find myself surrounded now by this warm lake of female solidarity and understanding which I now will be my anchor until the moment I will be able to walk on my own again.
He looked at me with his deep eyes and told me I owed him a hug. I smiled and hugged him. Then he kissed me, and I offered myself entirely.
Time went by. Today, I know I fell in love for the last time. From now own, my heart will never belong to someone else but me. I pick up my backpack and feel it heavy with what is left of me… and follow the path that unfolds before my feet. Now is the time to move one. Life will be less coloured now I know, but it also will be less painful to live.
I know you are back. I know you’re trying to haunt me. I know sometimes you will succeed and others you won’t. It depends on me only. Sometimes I will be able to deal with that, other times not really. There are days I enjoy playing cat and mouse, other days I don’t. There are days where I feel I still love you. Other days I feel I totally hate you. Others yet, that you became a total stranger and that I feel nothing but indifference.
My life went on while you were away. I moved on. I grew up and changed. Changed myself. Changed my life. You ? You, just go on living that small life of yours, so full of holes and emptyness.
Yes, I may never come to live again what we had once… but then again, neither will you.
Like a rollercoast, that’s how I feel. Walking over fluffly clouds some days and others on the darkest labirynth. Tired of this. Want my normal life back. But then againa… would I be able to live just a plain, common, normal life ?
I honestly can’t tell. What I do know is that I feel tired. I want to look elsewhere and stop looking at my own belly only. Tired to walk like this, up and down constantly. Tired to depend on pills to get at least some balance. Tired to have my own mood depending on the mood of other people.
Want to take control of my own life again. Get back to whom I used to be. Look around and feel at least satisfied, even if not happy. What the hell am I looking for ? Where the hell am I going to ? At the end of the day… what the hell is the whole purpose of living this shitty life, one day after the other ? Meaningless… everything seems so meaningless…